the thought of someone leaving never cease to send rumblings in the pit of my stomach...almost the same tingling sensation when something bad happens...sending me to the verge of tears. But with me trying to be half the man that i am everything would close with rolling deep sighs...just seemingly quiet weeping... never noticed.
for the past 21 years of my life.. ive watched people come and go, there are a few who stayed, though thankful that i am they did, i still wish that those who've been attached to me and left would have stayed at least a bit longer...
i still reckon how i would cry whenever my cousins would live at home for vacation and after 2 happy months of quarreling and goofing around will be picked up by their parents. i remember how i would beg them to just let them live with us so we could study together and how i would sleep weeping with pillows over my head so i couldn't breathe whenever they would not let them stay.
the pangs of this childhood dilemma never seem to have left me, something i have never outgrown until now. Whenever i feel someone would go far away, i do the same thing, only that there's no chance to go home, get to bed and cover my face with pillow from the anxiety and pain that i practiced not to be traceable when hearing the farewell news.
i still find it hard to accept that just when i'm about to be very happy with how things are going, things would change, and worse, someone would leave. with no assurances of coming back or keeping the lines open.. friends, lovers, relatives... leaving and bringing with them parcel of my security and happiness with nothing to tell me if they're going to bring it back.
now again, someone's about to leave, someone really close to my heart, i just hope that when the bidding of farewell comes, i'd remain stone-faced, tears hung on my eyelids, and not too full to throw up... until then, i'd consider everything to be changeable., that no date countdown is happening for bidding goodbyes. i'd rest in your arms, and you in mine, until then our hands will be entwined. as they say: the future is a vague dream from NOW.
